By the time I get up the blog, I have forgotten what it was I was going to say.....I suppose it wasn't that important.

Yesterday, we finally picked up the last of the refuse near the garage, and it made about half a load in the back of John's truck.  Then he went over to his mom's house to pick up leftovers there.  He had made a trip to the dump the day before.  So all the stuff that I wanted gone has finally been taken away.

With that gone, I can now focus on the remaining things that need to get done outdoors.  Well, the things that I can do....that would be the planting of the tomatoes that are still in little cups, yet they are huge and green.  Once that is done, I will focus on painting the garage and finishing whatever I can do there.  Only two things will not be done yet, and that is, cutting up the firewood, and mowing the lawn.  Cutting up the firewood is more important. 

In the house, I get tired just as the afternoon is getting underway, and that means that the morning housework still tires me out.  But I believe that I will overcome all this, and have a real garden next year.  When I must rest, more than I would like to, I read....I'm reading "The Journey of Crazy Horse" by Joseph M. Marshall, III.  Then I will read "The Red Badge of Courage" by Steven Crane. 

I went to town earlier in the week and bought a bunch of clothes and shoes for myself.  I didn't try anything on there, just bought and brought it all home.  It took a couple of days to rest and then try everything on.  Most of the stuff fits well, but I need to return a few things that did not comprehend my body.  I'm going to try to do this today, and hopefully, will not become exhausted by the effort.  But I also shopped for groceries the other day, simple things like couscous (wandered around for a long time), celery, bread, etc. 

The summer weather is fine.  Is it just me or is this the greenest summer we've ever had.  I'm sure it is a replay.  The deer is not afraid of me at all; she is a psychologist, knowing what and who represents danger.  My daughter's deer come right up and take bread out of her hand.  My son-in-law calls her "Snow White."  She usually wears soft dresses, is rather pale, and the name must replace the last nickname, "Lily" that was given her before.  We all get a kick out of the names they give her.    

I had to check the calendar for the date, and that's not unusual.  John has come back from running at Munissing (sp?)  Michigan, and did not run the big marathon, just the short version, which he was able to do rather easily, coming in 4th place.  He didn't want to overdo it, since he has been suffering from poison ivy for quite some time, and didn't want to stress himself out.  The poison ivy is going away, gradually, every day.  Here's what he wrote about it most recently, and has been thinking about how it could be used for some good against cancer. 

Under "Hazards in the Home" I found a list of foods that should not be fed to dogs.  I can't imagine why I allowed onions to get on the "good-for-you" list......

HARMFUL FOODS:   Avocados, chocolate, coffee (all forms), onions and onion powder, garlic, grapes, raisins, macadamia nuts, alcholic beverages, moldy or spoiled foods, salt, fatty foods, xylitol (gum, candies, etc.), tea leaves, and raw yeast dough. 

I just got done cooking dogs' breakfast of liver, sweet potato, carrot, celery, rice and water, flavored with a dash only of Lawry's Seasoned Salt.  I should probably not put even a dash of seasoning in there.  I also have a tablespoon of olive oil in the pan to prevent sticking. 

I'm going to write the list on paper and hang it on the refrigerator, so I won't make the same mistake again.

Well, a day or so later, and I have become more rational.....I no longer believe that my dog has killed the fawn, because another woman has seen it (?)  And I never saw any such thing as it getting killed.  I just imagine the worst, and mama deer has also gone into hiding lately, after browsing extensively on my unmowed lawn.  Fact is, I worry way too much.  I  have to stop that one, too.  I managed to go to town today, and only to one store, where I bought the remainder of my necessary groceries, mostly for the dogs. 

Speaking of dogs, I only recently (today) learned that you should never feed them onions, which has been a staple ingredient for mine since I began cooking their food.  I have immediately stopped feeding any food to them containing onions, and we will see if that is causing some of their problems (Pepper, mainly).  And I know that some people do not comprehend the nature of my illness (stroke).  Today, someone diagnosed me with dementia.  Okay.  It wasn't a doctor. 

I  have gone through a compendium of everything in my house, and I can say that, even though there is a lot of stuff, it is all clean and organized, mostly.  That is a good feeling, and I will continue on my way, as long as I can.  This "end-of-life" mentality is producing good results for me.  I don't put forth any nebulous ideas of what I will accomplish in my remaining time.  I can smile as I contemplate my time here.   

I woke up this morning to the sound of dogs coughing, and licking their legs obsessively.  I got up and went for the dog wormer, a concoction that kills several kinds..... they have consumed their special treat, this liquid mixed into the liver sausage (they can't refuse liver sausage), and have now been let out to do their business.  What did they get into?  The sorrow of knowing!  I can only look at the mother deer and take a lesson from her.  She knows she will have another fawn next year, and so must eat heartily every day to gain weight and strength.  I saw her darling one with her about a week ago, standing in the driveway, looking precious.  And now not with her anymore!  It would be wrong to blame the dog(s) for doing what they do, it comes naturally to them.  And that is why the deer populations are decreasing for the past several years.  Of course, I am almost always wrong about things, and this may be no exception.  The same precept has occurred to my daughter, who has also been shadowing a mama deer and her precious fawn, and the same result, with neighbor scolding nasty dog.  Then you see a fawn lying dead at road's edge when driving.....death is a big player in the world. 

I went out yesterday to feed the chicken, and to my surprise, I heard the chittering sounds of chickadees in the trees.  I put out a 3-part whistle of their call, and immediately they came flying around me, giving their alarm call.  So I must assume these chickadees are not my birds, but have come from other places.  They looked small, so maybe they are young ones.  But I hurried in to get seeds and feed them, and they were happily hitting on the seed jug.  It was a big boost to have some come around me. 

I am irritated with myself for yesterday's silliness....I picked up my lawn mower and brought it into the house.  Soon after, my eyes crossed and I became very dizzy and sick.  I made it to my bed and spent some time struggling to maintain correct vision, but I soon became too tired to do that, and kept my eyes closed.  I have a feeling that I am not getting any better, but whenever I try to do more, my eyes cross and I'm through.  I have a doctor appointment soon, and will ask him about this. 

Then there's John, my friend, who has an allergy to poison ivy.....an allergy? or just poison ivy?  Isn't just one thing enough?  But I, nor he, has ever seen anything like this.  He has been on the ground, crawling under his vehicle, which is parked at his mother's house, to work on transmission? and got this severe reaction.  It is mostly on his arms that were in contact with the ground.  Many pus-filled blisters, all itching and perhaps going internal, that he went to the hospital and was admitted to intensive care.  They had to give him a shot of prednizone and all kinds of medications to stop it from getting any worse.  He read online that hot water helps the pain, has been taking hot showers every few hours, and getting up at all hours to remedicate and reshower.  Not much sleep here last night.  And I'm bearish today!

Well, we talked so much, after not seeing each other for quite a few years, that we had to quit, because our voice boxes were getting frazzled.  We talked in her motel room, we talked in the car, parking lot, restaurant, store where we seemed to be shopping, at a wayside, and finally called it a day.  Two days, that is.  We had a lot of catching up to do.  Although the recent past is not in "linear" form, the distant past can be remembered by me, and confusing details cleared up. 

It's raining so softly, it could be called a mist.  My mama deer has not been seen with her precious fawn lately, and I believe the fawn has been killed, as many of them are.  Now the mama deer hangs out in nearby woods, watching the house, ready to run if dogs run at her, and last night she came right by the bedroom window, probably looking for good things to eat.  She browses at will among the many kinds of greenery growing here.  I recognize her (I thought) by her black face, the red coat, and her increasing body weight.  But all the female deer look the same, as my daughter pointed out.  What I like about my deer, is that she stares at me intently, and I imagine she knows what my thoughts and intentions are.  It's important to her future, to know things about us. 

I began exercizing, doing my own muscle stretching program, that I used to teach when I was active in dance.  I only wish more people, then, would have signed up for classes.  But now is just fine.  Stop worrying about the past, that nothing can be done to change.  So I now pretend that I have that large hall, a shiny clean floor, and about 25 students.  I'd put on some good music for exericze, and quickly I coach them along into the stretching routines I gathered together.  Except now it's just me at home, using my imagination.  And I'm finding it quite enjoyable. 

Empathy....  Barack Obama mentioned empathy the other day, that we need to use to keep a human perspective.  When the response to his remark was the cold, calculating criticism of the times, I thought of that book that I read many years ago about having empathy, that was the requisite requirement to experience true humanity.  It became a movie titled "Blade Runner" starring Harrison Ford et al. that was one of the best movies ever, in my opinion. 

I haven't posted lately, even though the mundane world keeps turning and things keep happening....  I can't remember what was going on before, but I can say that I had another dental appointment yesterday.  So I am done for this year, don't have to go again until I get another cleaning.  My gums are sore from yesterday's procedure, fixing a broken tooth.  But soon it will stop hurting. 

My health has been quite poor lately; I guess it's because of a cold/flu-like illness that has hung on for a long time.  It has made my stroke injuries get worse, and I was discouraged, but I'm getting over that flu, and it's not the flu everybody is worried about.  At least that's what they tell me. 

So my worst problem is the need to get outdoors and plant my garden with what baby plants I have started - and I've never been this late (mid-July) planting!  And the reason I can't get out there and do it?  It's the pain in my back and neck, with that stroke-like pain extending from there, over the top of my head, down my face, behind my left eye.  My dizziness is caused by one of the medications I'm taking, and the blindness has gotten worse since I've been under the weather.  The hardest thing to do, is not to do anything.  I'm an action-jackson kind of person, and not-doing is the worst exercise for me.  I will complain when I see my doctor beginning of next month. 

My son called me the other day.  He is very happy, and that makes me feel good.  He's over 40, so it's about time.  My lovely daughter still struggles with her health problems, so we are a pair!  The only thing that worries me is that we still have not heard anything from my grandson, who should be done with basic training by now.  But he told me not to expect to hear from him for quite some time.  I just pray he is all right. 

Today, I will go into town and meet my long-lost aunt for dinner and much talking.  It has been over 20 years since we've seen each other!  Or am I just forgetting again?

It rained here all last night - what joy!  It rained good and hard and long.  Just what the countryside needed, and the air is soft, warm and juicy today.  It feels so good outside.  I love the rain, the thunder and lightning.... I threw off the covers and let the thunder rumble through my body.  I'm sure it is good to feel/hear thunder.  I only wish my dog, Pepper, felt the same way.  She is still stressed out by thunder.     

I went shopping with my daughter yesterday, and that really was difficult, as I try to get as much done as possible in one outing.  First, we went to the hospital to give my blood for my coumadin clinic (I can't remember why I can't have those small cuts in my finger) but I give a small vial of blood each time.  But they have lengthened the tests to every 3 weeks now, that's good.  Then on we went to eat, this time at Burger King, where they have a salad, featuring grilled chicken, many veggies, and a dark green (lettuce?) that is very thick and crunchy.  We also had the unhealthy fries, ketchup, and a soft drink.  Then on to get the grocery shopping done, which went fairly well, except by that time, I was tired and easily confused, so there are a few things I forgot to get.  Next time.  We went to a dollar store and got a few things there, just for fun.  And home again.  But then the unloading and putting away of the many, many goodies.  I have to separate the meat items to individual packages for cooking small amounts, but at last it was all done.  I went right to bed, very sore and aching badly.  A good night's rest took care of most of my pains. 

But before we went shopping, my daughter brought over her Black and Decker Alligator Lopper for me to use on small branches, and I gave her my small electric chain saw to use on her larger branches, etc. she needs to do.  She had loaded up the back of her vehicle with the extra firewood she was able to harvest, and it all helps to give heat in winter.  It looks like the women have decided to save money on fuel this coming winter, especially so because we have downed wood in our yards.  Now if I can actually do this work, that would be good.  Of course I can, a little bit here and a little bit there. 

I have decided to start taking my supplements and vitamins again, in spite of directions not to, from the doctor.  They always tell you not to take them, but I have noticed that when/if I stop taking them, I become more and more tired, just worn out, without them.  Since I experienced that mild bit of disorientation the other day, I think I can use a bit of a mental boost, and my bones can always use the extra calcium, et al. that I can give it.  I have all this stuff and I want to continue to get the benefits of taking them.  I feel better already, after yesterday's big effort shopping.  But I need to start doing exercizes too, to strengthen my back.  So much to do, so little time.

It has barely rained in the northwoods this spring/summer, and we are experiencing drought now.  Even the weather ladies on tv admit that rain is needed.  I take jugs of water out to my rhubarb, flowers, and tomatoes to keep them moisturized.  I'm glad I didn't plant a whole garden this year.  It would be tragic to see them all withering, and worrisome to use a lot of well water to keep the garden going.       

I woke up from my afternoon snooze, and found I had slept much longer than I should have.  I hastened to feed the dogs, but could not understand what the weather was doing.  It was almost dark outside!  I reheated the remains of the coffee, but it tasted so bad, that I made a cup of tea, turning on the tv to see what the news channel would have to say about things, or maybe the weather channel.

There were some newspeople on, who kept referring to the Michael Jackson funeral, but no one that I normally listen to.  What happened to the news people I should be seeing?  It's all because of the funeral, I supposed.  I was shocked to discover that the birds had not been fed, and the chicken was still shut up in her house.  At least the sky had lightened up, and the sun was shining again.  Must have been a big cloud.  I thought if John came home and found things like this, he would think I was becoming lazy.  Then I noticed that his truck was parked in the driveway!  He must be sick, or sleeping in preparation for his upcoming race.

I went on like this for a few hours, "discovering" how different everything was, until I figured out that it wasn't late afternoon, there was no nap I was waking up from, and the sun was clearly in the eastern sky.  Therefore, it was morning, not late afternoon.  But this had gone on for several hours, and is the longest time I have been so disoriented.  Am I losing it?  Or is this a result of my recent quest to alter my perspective?  At any rate, this morning I had an altered perspective, but it was not too alarming, just made me wonder how I could have slept so long. 

Tomorrow is the day my daughter will take me to the clinic to check my blood.  It will be good to see her again.  I am determined to get pictures up on this blog.  And what happened to the pictures I had up here before?  Where did they go?  Ah, the mysteries of the blog.....

When you find yourself asserting the same opinions at the seemingly appropriate response indicators, then it's time to stop and ask "Why do I think or believe this?"  Since I have started to question my by-now-automatic responses to any and all situations that arise, I seem to have been thrown off my tracks (by my own questioning behavior) and now find myself wondering about the nature of all seeming-reality.  This is good.  I now can question the color green, for instance - I know it is a function of perception.  What then, is it? I ask.  My dreams have changed to a different strata of intelligence.  I used to live in the future, my plans for myself were all-consuming of my thoughts.  Lately, though, I realize that is a fruitless pursuit, since my future here is now becoming extremely limited. 

I want to question everything, like a three-year-old child - Why?  The foundations of my once-rational mind have been shaken.  I am seeing a time when my questions are no longer important, either; like a leaf trembling on a branch in a wintry wind, my activities are being limited and defined by the nature of my reality.  I am no different than I was - I am as  helpless and unknowing as ever, except that I know now that is my limit. 

I spent the day yesterday, baking sticky buns and white bread, and that is all I did, except for the feeding, walking and petting of the critters I keep by my side.  Doing dishes, laundry, sweeping - all automatic and fulfilling.  So my footsteps follow these little paths around my life, my hands do the things I am used to doing, my mouth speaks the words and phrases they all need and love to hear from me.  This is definitely retirement.  And it is the time when the people who have become decidedly old get the alone-time to think about all they have done and know about.  It's a nostalgic feeling, but not tragic or very sad.  It happened, that's all. 

Incredibly, the elves have returned, but they are not frightening, nor do they make me sad.  They are not humans either, with pointy ears, but beings who live on the fringes of human thought and activity, involved in their own pathways of activity.  They are not moralistic, just pointing out the judgments that must come to everyone.  Well, onward and hopefully, upward to understanding.  And if there is some thing that I must yet do in this lifetime, then now would be a good time to discover it and do it.   

A beautiful, warm day, plenty of sunshine and clouds until evening, when it cleared up for the fireworks.  Many towns are cutting back or eliminating their fireworks displays, because of the economic picture, but our town still has them going strong.  But I noticed that when they were finished, it became a still, very quiet, night.  Usually, the popping and banging by individuals goes on for a long time afterwards - not last night.  My Pepper was anxious during the fireworks, so I closed the window, and she settled right down.  I take the dogs out for a stroll in the morning and once again in the evening.  I didn't attend the parade in the afternoon, either.   

I got a beautiful photo taken of my chicken, and I need to figure out how to post pictures on this blog.  I have favorite pix I would like to post - need to sit down and figure out how to do it. 

We made a fire and cooked on the grill - made hamburgers, barbequed pork ribs and chicken breasts.  Transferred the BBQ treats into the oven to finish them off, but the hamburgers, made at the end of the fire, when the coals are good and settled down, were perfect - the best.  The meat was 93% lean and only 7% fat.  John made his version of potato salad - which is filled with extras like frozen peas, sweet red pepper, and I don't know what.  His dressing is superb. 

I am sick and tired of taking pills at regular intervals during the day.  I wake up in the morning with a terrible taste in my mouth from the metaprolol and want to stop or cut down on it.  Will have to ask doctor if that is possible, or am I stuck with this routine for the duration?  I have "different" dreams now.....don't know how to explain them, but something has changed.  I want to get started on the last leg of outdoor work around here...the painting of the garage, and final cleanup around there, plus finishing the rock garden in front of the house.  Then I can think about doing indoor work for the rest of the year. 

Now that I know a few people who habitually read my blog, I'm getting comments and some criticisms - "don't write about politics!" and "stop worrying about this or that!" I guess that is to be expected, and it seems that some people just want to comment and make me write what pleases them.  But I had strayed from my promise not to write about politics anymore, so I guess I deserved a critique. 

Personally, I have been surprised, even astonished, to find that the brain, being divided into right side and left side awareness, has two different "personas" to help you manage your life.  Unfortunately, one side (I can't remember which side) tries to dominate.  It seems that the practical, live-in-the-world side is ever-ready to take over completely and be the boss, even resorting to the ever-present tunes that play endlessly in the head.  When I first had the stroke, I found it surprising that I was so cheerful and accepting of my condition.  But then the anger would take over, and I saw how awful I was when anger was present.  I understood that anger was like a helpless child having a temper tantrum.  And I saw the damage anger is capable of inflicting.  I have managed to take control of anger and no longer allow it to inflict damage and ruin my health and peaceful nature. 

By observing my innermost mental/emotional thoughts and feelings, I then discovered another life-long interloper - fear.  Fear has been shaping my thoughts and reactions to many of life's situations.  I caught myself rationalizing in the usual avoidance technology, and so I looked for a way to overcome this trait. 

Believe it or not, I took my daughter to an adult party shop and we overcame our silly reasoning in a short time there, much to the amusement of the store's proprietor, who assured us we are exactly like a lot of other people who want to see what they have in that store.  We even parked our cars at a gas station, then hoofed it through some woods to go to that shop (whose parking lot was big, and empty).  I knew we were not the only fearful ones, as there was even a beaten path through the woods between the gas station and the store......and a man pumping gas at the station was laughing at us as we started out.  So we enjoyed our shopping, and overcame our fear!  That's one little fear down to lead the way.

Then, over the following days, I recognized how guilt is also another downer that prevents a person from living well.  I began to skim over my life, and all the places where guilt feelings harmed my ability to enjoy anything at all about some situation.  So, now I see where negative feelings and thoughts have been building up in my life to become a huge pancake-blanket that has suppressed my ability to respond to life situations by obscuring the really loving, joyful, charming girl I was meant to be. 

Okay.  Now to continue to unearth this precious finding.  Let me make this my life's focus and stop worrying about not being able to get the tomatoes all planted, or the garden tilled up properly.  I have other work to do.