Well, I've made it through a few more days, and I keep thinking I am better than I am.  I do not have the strength and stamina I used to have.  So the tendency is to overdo.  Then the "elves" return and tell me I will die.  My brain sees danger and misinforms me at every turn.  Also, I do not need to watch scary movies that I used to like so much, because my brain tries to make them my reality. 

A couple of actual events have taken place, however.  The first notable one is that we have gotten in touch with a company who picks up metal objects and takes them away for recycling and they do not charge you (or pay you) for them.  But they came yesterday and the items we did not want to keep are gone!  And that is a good thing.  All the crap machinery and things are truly away from here, and there only remains to take the rest to the dump, and pay the $11.00 charge (John will take care of this month, because most of it is his stuff). 

The second event is that I have gotten a better insurance company for my old truck, which still would be 100% if it weren't for rust.  I washed it yesterday, and it still looks so nice, except for the rusty places.  I suppose I could make an effort to get those places fixed, but not in my current state.  Just shining it up and keeping it clean is good enough for now.  The insurance is cheaper, because my house insurance is at that company too, and my coverage is much better.  The other company only covered me for $10,000 liability!  An injured party's insurance company would seize your house (potentially) to cover their loss.  A new vehicle costs so much these days, I just never noticed the low liability.  I have $100,000 liability coverage with the new company.  Much better.  Whew! 

But after arriving home, I was actually shaking like a leaf in a wind storm, and went right to bed, my whole left side swollen and aching.  Had I overworked it, cleaning up next to the garage?  Most likely I did.  I remember lifting a sap pan for making maple syrup, 6' x 4' big, which was full of water and leaves, and tipping it over to empty it.  Although no pain registered at the time, there were other feats of strength performed by me until the entire mess was picked up and stacked alongside the driveway, ready for today's effort.  John is going to load things up and take them to the dump.  He, too, has been in extreme pain; this spring's effort to clean up at his father's house has been strenuous.  I declared the rest of the day labor free for both of us.  

My daughter has had to work at the restaurant with her husband, because this is the busy time of year, and she is exhibiting more pain than she normally has, too.  Spring!  But the leaves are coming out in force now.  My favorite time of year, when the leaves are still small and delicate-looking.  Soon they will be big, floppy, block out the moon and stars at night, the neighbor's in the daytime, and become a solid green wall with dark trunks sticking up.  But now the cherry trees (pin and choke) are in full bloom throughout the woods and everything is so pretty and fresh. 

I have been considering whether I should get into the twittering world that has been with us for some time now.  It seems to be more than a passing fancy.....but I don't want to take up more time from necessary chores and activities.  If I had more time, I should devote it to my novels, getting them to a publisher.....yet the twittering is attractive. 

I went outside today and cleaned up a lot of sticks, etc. and will soon burn (with my permit) quite a lot of cardboard and rotten lumber.  And soon, another giant load of garbage and metal to the dump (with John along to do the heavy lifting).  My back is getting better after the maladjustment from the chiropractor, and I believe my body is adjusting to the drugs I have to take to keep things moving smoothly.  I have decided never to go to that chiropractor again, and find another one who will listen to my sage back advice (on my own back, thank you!).  But finally, I can say I really feel better, and I am even wearing shoes that are good for my back too, and don't cause me to slip and slide in the kitchen.  I won't be hearing any more "bad news" advice from doctors warning me of dire consequences if I don't continue to use their services.  I am so glad to be free and done with sickness (mostly).  Only minimalist checkups on the blood are needed, and I feel much, much better.  I should mention a thank you to the doctors and other professionals who gave me the good care I needed, when I needed it, but I have been helped now to the point of not needing any more.  And that is making me feel strong and healthy. 

The orioles have learned to eat suet from the woodpeckers' and chickadees' suet cake holder.  This is the first year I have seen them at the suet cakes.  Of course, oranges have been sliced in half, and are hanging in improvised wire baskets on the branches, and with four orioles out there, it was very orange out yesterday afternoon. 

There are now 5 or 6 different kinds of woodpeckers vying for the suet basket, and I am going to hang out another one.  I went to Menard's yesterday (by myself) and got a lot of suet cakes for the birds.  I need to get the hummingbird feeder up in case they are here already.  And maybe another sunflower seed jug swinging from a branch would be nice.  There's a rose-breasted grosbeak who likes to sit inside the jug and enjoys swinging, thus keeping any of the other birds out of the feeder.  And the goldfinches love the thistle seed, which is almost gone now. 

It is a joy to sit in my chair outside and just watch the colorful antics and hear the birdsongs everywhere.  Arnie loves them too, and spent the whole night making sure that bears and racoons stay away from the feeding areas.  I always bring in whatever feed I can just to discourage raiders, but they still check to see what they might get into.   

It reminds me of a time when I opened the door to let my kitty cat out, and we surprised two racoons in the side room.  They had opened the door.  There was a partial bag of deer corn behind the door, and the two of them were busily trying to get the bag slid under the open door and escape with it, one pushing from inside, and one pulling from outside.  Of course, they could not understand that they only needed to drag the bag around the door and out to freedom!  We totally surprised them as much as we were surprised.  After all four of us stared at each other in shock, my kitty boldly leaped out onto the doormat with a determined growl.  She was only a pint-sized kitty, but the raccoons dropped the goods and ran out in a great panic.  I always have to laugh when I remember the attempted heist of the corn bag.  What a brave kitty!   

It's been a nasty weekend.  I will not go into details now, but it seemed that every thing that I deplore about our way of life came out to mock me and my futile efforts to improve the world in my lifetime.  'Nuf said.  So depressing was it that my health declined a bit, and I had another doctor appointment to go to that I didn't want to go to.  It was scheduled only for legal reasons concerning the clinic.  So my daughter took me there, and we got through it, but it was depressing.  The doctor did his best to get me to agree to another bunch of tests and an operation on my heart that won't be happening, but his efforts to alarm me weren't helpful.  I have been concentrating on shaking off the whole visit.  I am also in good shape, blood-wise, in that my levels of whatever are good now.  I only have to go back and get my blood checked every two weeks, and there are no more appointments clogging up the arteries of my calendar!

Today, the sunshine is warm and it is slightly breezy.  The chicken is happy, my Pepper only needs to learn that she will not get extra treats, no matter how long she squeaks.  Her shape is that of a butterball, and it's time for her to lose the extra pounds.  We have already gone for our daily walk, there are buds coming, and tiny leaves greening up the woods, white chokecherry blossoms abound.  These berries will feed the birds and chipmunks, along with the hazelnuts that grow as underbrush here.  Spring is here, and that's good.  There are things I would like to start doing, like re-doing my rock garden in front of the house.  The tulip bunch has been blooming for several weeks now, they are the best bunch of tulips I have ever seen! 

I am losing the awful feeling of being concerned for my health; they have proposed many "possible" awful scenarios, and I am not falling for any of them.  Going outside now and doing something with rocks, that will keep me cheerful.

If it wasn't for my partially-blocked eyesight and poor recent memory problems, I would say that I am well now.  But the problems mentioned above remain, and continue to annoy me.  It takes time, but I have noticed improvements in my mental acuity lately that are very encouraging. 

I only had that one weepy day, over my grandson entering the military, and that has passed now.  I am very supportive of his efforts.

My medications keep on being adjusted as needed to keep me in the proper ranges, and Friday night, the kids are picking me up and bringing me back home, as they are taking me out to eat for my birthday.  I would not trust myself to drive after dark at all.  I went grocery shopping on Tuesday, but only went to one store; John was in the store too, but we shopped separately.  I do housework, cook my food, keep the dogs fed and groomed, petted and loved, the chicken amused (with dirt containing worms) and fed, and watch only a little tv in the evenings, as my eyesight won't let me watch for long periods of time.  I'm recovering, but not fast enough for me, from that little stroke I had, and I've lost contact with Mr. Death, who seemed mighty close back then.  I am very fortunate. 

I had a very good day, yesterday, and did a lot of housework, cooking; went outside and bagged up more garbage lying in the leaves next to the garage.  This is all John's stuff left lying out - he shows no inclination to help or to stop me from having to pick up his garbage.  I got a big black plastic bag filled and closed with a tie, and it will be hauled next time I go to the dump.  I can't remember if I've talked about going to the dump last time.  I paid $11.00 for 450 lbs. of garbage, but when it was all weighed, I had only - well, less than 100 lbs.  So that means that I will have to have more garbage to haul next time, in order to get maximum financial benefit for my $11.00.  They always make it so you do much more work, or have to haul much more in your truck. 

But I was very pleased that my natural scrooginess is returning, and I am calculating things to become more financially viable at getting rid of garbage.  I am still going to the dump, but now John must accompany me and do the actual unloading.   That's not so bad, is it?  I've been walking with my dogs, cooking good, healthy meals, and trying to keep the house clean.  So yesterday was very busy, and today, I need some time off. 

There are still some very strange mental problems.  There are lingering thoughts in the darkness of my mind that are not true memories, or even rational thoughts; they seem to belong in a movie that has no basis in reality, but was made just to scare people.  For the past several days, I find myself unable to control crying.  The tears flow, but there is no real reason for them to be there.  I do believe my eyesight is improving very slowly, but I know now that this depends entirely on managing it all the time.  If I eat something I shouldn't, or read a book in poor light, or while lying on my side, there will be a vision price to pay.  I would like to fix myself an alcoholic drink, but that would probably not be good for my head or balance.  So no.  Not yet.  I and my daughter are going to town on Monday, appointments aplenty at the clinic/hospital, then pick up all renewed prescriptions.  All my test results show that I am doing good.

I have just said farewell to my grandson, who is leaving for Georgia in a couple of days for basic training.  Maybe that is the reason for so many tears.  Not that I am sad or worried at all, just that it is a huge milestone into adult life.  And he is so eager and mature-sounding.  A very good young man.  My prayers go with him.  He sounds so mature.

And that's a lovely time of year....I lay in bed, thinking that I want to live to see if the Mayans were right about the "world ending" in the year 2012.  Is that the right date?   Well, I had a whole bunch of numbers that all added up to a wonderful little bouquet of numerical posies, but they are gone this morning. 

I got a phone call from somebody yesterday; the latest thing is that if I won't let them operate on my heart, they will be legally liable if I die now.  This is taking things into a realm of legality that they will not find me very friendly to.  I had already decided not to have heart surgery when they first (and finally) announced their find.  As I look back on this blog, first it was a piece of clot, then it was lupus, etc. that was causing my problems.  Now it's a wrinkly valve that could cause legal problems for them if I don't have heart surgery.  From whom would these problems arise?  From my children?  This is nuts!  And who knows what "new diagnoses" will bring next week?

I'm coming to the end of my patience with all things that have me running back and forth to the hospital/clinic.  I very much appreciate what they have accomplished, but at what cost?  What liability?  Who bears the burden?  The month of May is here, my beautiful month, and I intend to enjoy it.  I will see my doctor, get my blood drawn for the required tests, and that's it.  No more phony emergencies.  No more running back and forth to the chiropractor either.  I am gonna see what happens, take it easy.  No wonder I was getting so crabby and stressed out. 

The sun is shining this morning, and I don't have to go anywhere.