My calendar looks like I'm a very busy, popular person with many detailed appointments and meetings of every kind.  This morning, I cancelled the two appointments I had this afternoon and took a long nap instead.  I can't go on seeing people and doing things all the time.  This is the last day of April, and it would have been good to get these last two things, chiropractor appt. and car mechanic appt., under my belt, but I just can't go on and on anymore.  I took a long nap this afternoon and just woke up.  I can't believe I have that kind of power! 

My last chiropractic appointment nearly wrecked me for good, I fear.  I was very stressed out and tight, and when the doctor made a couple of painful adjustments, my ears started ringing and I quickly developed severe pains in neck, shoulder, hip and leg.  I can't go back to him, even though I need something to be done about this pain and ringing in my ears.  I suppose he has been very fearful that this sort of thing could happen, and it did.  But I wish he would have followed through and fixed my neck and hip, at least.  The problem was that I could not remember, when it was happening, that I was there in his office getting an adjustment, and he apparently could see that something was very wrong.  Oh well!

Ah, but May is almost here!  What does that mean?  I get to turn the page on another crazy-ass month and hope that May will be better!  May will be as better than April, as April was better than March.  For reasons unknown but completely understood, this makes me want to cry.  I feel that I have just lost a month, chiropractically.  My eyesight has not improved at all (yes it has), my neck, et al. still aches and ears are ringing (a small setback), I see my daughter rolling her eyes as I repeat things five times.  I got to see the dentist:  I do not have a metal pin that was stuck in my tooth (eyes rolling), and I had my teeth cleaned, but do not understand why they need to see me again.  Today's appointments would have been a milestone to achieve, but I needed the nap I just woke up from.  And I've only mentioned the nap 3 or 4 times, woohoo! 

So what is the basis of my complaint?  It's that same old, same old, thing!  Life is the same as it was before.  I am going to be 70 years old in one week.  And I want it to be new and different, that's all.  I could just cry that if everything goes well, life will be the same as it was before.  If this was the olden times, I would not have made it back to this degree of liveliness, I would be either a vegetable slowly dying, or be dead already.  That is very ungrateful of me, and I should be sorry, but my heart rages that I still am faced with no prospects of anything new or different.  I want life, not continuing older age. 

I keep thinking of my grandson, who is entering the military about now, and I will hope and pray that he is successful in his efforts for all of us.  I am proud of his commitment and dedication. 

And I will get over this latest setback with my back acting up.  There's another doctor telling me that I should have heart surgery, but that is not going to happen.  Well, I've mentioned everything that's bothering me, which may help cure the crabbiness I feel.  Good work, but hope nobody gets bummed out by this! 

This getting better is a slowly, slowly daily improvement.  I no longer linger at the abyss, seeing death or collapse into helplessness.  I see that I'm not getting better faster, right now!  I don't dwell on it at all, just see that yardwork needs doing.  I picked up stuff today and got it loaded up into my truck, then (wisely) decided enough for one day.  Had lunch, then realized I was right to decide to quit for the day.  Laid out in the sun again for about 15 minutes. 

My Pepper was sick today, crying softly.  I thought she wanted more treats, which I am determined NOT to give her.  So I gave her one baby aspirin instead, in case she was crying because she was hurting, and she improved immediately.  Poor girl would have died to stay by my side; would not leave me even to potty.  So that is why I have been going out more and making her go out too.  I hope she gets well also.  What a faithful companion.  Also gave John a hug today to let him know I appreciate him, too.  All those dark thoughts I had seem to vanish in the bright springtime sunshine.  It rained hard early this morning, with great thunderclaps; everything has been refreshed by the downpour. 

Well, I can't have a new life, not now anyway.  I am trying to resign myself to my old life.  I can't read books anymore, either.  My new books came, and they are befuddling my eyes and brain.  My eyes are not improving anymore with just plain reading, getting worse.  And I'm dizzy all day long.  Also, my brain finds it hard to distinguish between my reality and the book's "reality."  So my dreams are trying to make sense of it all and I'm ending up dreaming about drawing a chocolate face in the mud that moves, smiles and speaks to me.  Things like that. 

John drove me to town today to take care of chores.  I paid all my bills and I'm back home, safe and sound.  It snowed a lot yesterday, and today it is melting; water flowing into the barrel and off every surface.  The birds are a riotous cacaphony always cheering me up.  I still want to eat something new and strange to amuse my taste buds, but no ideas and no inspiration looking at things I have in the freezer/refrigerator.  I made green split pea soup yesterday - yuck!  I want something exotico!   

I have almost recovered from the stroke, maybe.  But most people assure me that it takes longer than 6 or 7 weeks, I shouldn't get too rambunctious here for a year or so.  Yeah, okay.  But I am looking forward to something new in living my golden years.  I am tired of the same-old, same-old.  I want new things, new experiences that will take me away from the mundane life I no longer want.  I want something new.  I almost believe that this is a reaction to not dying.  If I recover, you mean it's the same-old stuff that I had for so long?  I want new experiences, new stuff, new life. 

I have been getting a tan the past few days, lying out on my lounge.  And yesterday it got cold and began to snow.  Is that new?  Today, white stuff is clinging to the ground and to every branch and twig.  It won't last, and is a vital drink of water for everything.  The buds are popping on the trees, waiting for the snow to go.  Soon it will be in the 80 degree range again, but the air feels like snow is here.  The house is cold - of course, I forgot to bring in firewood when it was so dry out.  At least I could have covered it with a tarp.  So I made brownies to warm the house, but that won't last very long. 

I'm groggy today and wish for new experiences to liven me up. 

Spring has arrived, and into my shorts and tank top, out on my chaise lounge, got a nice burn started by laying out yesterday all afternoon.  Why I don't do this more often is that I am supposed to be raking, digging, picking up sticks, bagging garbage, hauling stuff here and there.  But now it's not to be done, because my back and neck are still healing, and I could have another stroke.  There I am, lying out on a chaise lounge, like I always thought I would, and now I'm actually doing it.  Being old can be fun! 

Today it's cooler out, though in my shorts and tank top, I am wearing a flannel shirt over all, socks and boots on, and if I walk around to do stuff now, it will only be my legs getting a tan.  That's all right.  I picked up one bag of trash, but stuff is still frozen to the ground underneath.  That's the best excuse yet to stop working so hard! 

Been incorporating my calcium pills with Vit. D back into my diet, and also CoQ10, whatever the heck that is!  It's supposed to be good for your heart; also been adding Probiotics, those little bitty things for your stomach, since my stomach needs to tackle the problem of terrible tasting Metaprolol.  At least I believe that's the one causing upset stomach.  I'm being a good girl, not drinking any alcohol, smoking those big cheroots (ha!) and getting plenty of sleep.  My chiropractic adjustments are working good for my neck and back problems, so I am just about back to normal.  Still have the deranged right-side vision problems, and the slow think/speak thing, but improving all the time. 

My children have straightened out my checkbook, bills are being paid on time, and I just ordered two new books to read by Joe Kane, author of "Running the Amazon" and "Savages," both of which promise to keep my reading interests going strong.  These books are my birthday present to myself.  My son has stopped smoking, and is still smoke-free; he sounds better than the last time I saw him, when he was plainly miserable.  If he is successful, then our whole family will have broken the hold of tobacco on us.  And that is a real family achievement. 

This morning brings another good result - back to health.  My faith in God....I don't need other religions....I have my own right in my heart, mind, soul.  It's always been there for me and is familiar to my being.  I don't need anything else.  But I have been curious about other religions and have always studied them.  Last night I had a dream that I went to some kind of clinic (in the sky) and was handed a folder that contained all my beliefs, faiths, memories, personal experiences, and I wept with joy and hugged it to my heart.  I woke up knowing that I was lucky to have a personal religious background that will guide me through death and into the afterlife.  I have peace now, and will take whatever comes my way.  What a blessing.

The weather is beautiful, though windy and still coldish.  But the ground is bare, mostly, and spring is going to happen.  I have been saddened by the global news that the South Pole is melting and we will have to live with whatever that means.  The animals suffer first, but humans will be next. 

So on I go, and will try to get better every day.  My hands are permanently chapped this winter, from doing the scrubbing and constant hand washing I normally engage in.  I still am wishing Obama good luck and continued international accord.  I don't understand why he relented about his stand on spying or something like it.....there are a few things that I still wonder about in his administration.....probably none of my business now. 

Oh!  I forgot to mention - I don't have lupus!  The hospital called yesterday with two "happy" news about test results, which I did not understand until interpreted by someone else - but all the news is good.  No lupus and no something else I can't remember - so I am almost 100%?  My short-term memory and my eyesight, which still has a blurry spot on my right side.  And the heart valve thing, that they do not comprehend yet.  But I can feel it all the time.  Also my chiropractic adjustments are healing my back and neck pains.  So on I go, getting better and better.   

Yesterday, my kids took me to the coumadin/warfarin clinic to increase my dosage tremendously.  After reviewing the foods that contain phylloquinone (Vitamin K), I was not surprised that doubling the dosage has not improved my blood thinning count.  I eat lots and lots of green things from my garden!  My dosage of medicine had been doubled, now it is quadrupled, but I now know to reduce green, green, green things from the garden in my diet.  That should be part of the answer to my trouble.

But even there, concerned with my own troubles, I sensed other big developments elsewhere.  My friend was not at home when I returned, and later that evening, he called, telling me that his father had passed away.  The dogs certainly knew it, and I was not surprised, thinking that might be the case.  He died very peacefully, just breathing slower and slower.  The whole family had been up north to see him over the past week.  We are very impressed with the "hospice" facility at this hospital.  I only wish my father could have had such a peaceful end. 

I was reading a pamphlet given out by the hospice that identified the parts of the dying process; I was surprised and shuddered that I had experienced some of these symptoms, thankfully, I did not terminate (yet).  Today, I am studying my diet and will find vegetables and foods that are lower in Vitamin K, but not eliminate it altogether.  After stabilizing my blood supply, it will be time to tackle the problem of Lupus, which has been the main cause of all my troubles (according to the doctors).  Of course, I know that doing the work under the conditions I was in, was what triggered the whole attack.  They are already talking about heart surgery, but this I won't allow, since I am old already, and my heart will last indefinitely if they control the Lupus.  They told me I had it many years ago, but never did anything about it, as it was a newly discovered condition back then.  I want to work on that problem, and not go in for heart surgery so fast. 

Well, the weather continues gray, cold and gloomy, but the house no longer needs firewood, so spring is coming!  I am haunted by the things I have learned about dying recently; I still am haunted too by the split recognition of life and non-life events all around me.  I have overcome my anger (that I never knew was a problem until I experienced it after this stroke), or at least I am learning to manage my feelings to eliminate negativity.  I have resolved to stop swearing also, and this is proving to be amazingly difficult.  Yes...stub my toe, drop a spoon, and I fall back into old familiar bad habits.  But now I'm on the mark and chastise myself and stop it from being me.