It's been awhile, I think....

I've been remembering my life, my mother's life, and my grandmother's life.  And my father's life.  Well, that's a lot of remembering, but surprisingly, it's brought a ton of new insights.  I am completely surprised that I didn't know these things I've been remembering before now!  I have resolved quite a bit of anger by this extra remembering.  And humbling myself to acknowledge that my life actually did have meaning, therefore, as a member of my own family group.  I stayed with it; I could have run away, which was fairly common to do in my mother's family.  But I always carried that idea that running away, escaping the tyranny of our family's history, would bring me relief or freedom.  Now I see that everyone has a family history, shared with a few or many others, that they are carrying to completion.  We are all doing God's work, whether we know it or not. 

I've got the house clean, really clean now, in case I drop dead after all.  But I've caught a cold too, as the people I've come in contact with have all got colds and continually pass them around.  So I've been low energy and low spirited lately.  One thing that has gotten to me is that credit card I tried to get paid when I got out of the hospital.  I paid it two times so as not to miss the deadline, but they have said that I missed the deadline both times I paid, and not only that, they claim that neither payment could be used by them (there being something wrong with each check).  I have examined the payments, and can not find what is wrong.  I am very slow at dealing with the problems, but for the life of me.....  And it does affect my health, causing stress.

Today, I finally got to see my chiropractor, and right away, after an extremely gentle massage with an electric device, I began to have vision problems (more than I am having due to the stroke).  These were the flashing yellow, pulsating kind and lasted for several hours after the visit.  So there's another range of problems.  I'm going again tomorrow.....I feel very certain that the wrenching of the back and neck is partly to blame for all this trouble, the wrenching caused by helping John fix his brakes (stepping on the brakes with one foot all the way down, and releasing it again.  Was it 100 times?  I don't know, just that my whole left side got screwed up badly.  My former self would have blamed him, but now now.  He just needed a helping foot!

And he has many cares of his own.  His father has cancer - we just found out after his recent stay at the hospital.  He has been returned home, given counseling and morphine aplenty, and we are all praying for his safe journey across the way.  I was just informed the day before yesterday, and have sent my best wishes to him.  There is nothing the doctors can do for him anymore. 

So, the big, wet snowflakes fall on the newly bare, brown earth, trying to cover us over with whiteness again.  The silence out there is so intense you can hear the flakes fall.  I have grown a lot in the month of March, but my calendar looks like a criss-crossed jumble.  I hope April will go smoother. 

My grandson is joining the army, will be going into the service soon.  I am so proud of him and the way he has grown up.