It's been awhile, I think....

I've been remembering my life, my mother's life, and my grandmother's life.  And my father's life.  Well, that's a lot of remembering, but surprisingly, it's brought a ton of new insights.  I am completely surprised that I didn't know these things I've been remembering before now!  I have resolved quite a bit of anger by this extra remembering.  And humbling myself to acknowledge that my life actually did have meaning, therefore, as a member of my own family group.  I stayed with it; I could have run away, which was fairly common to do in my mother's family.  But I always carried that idea that running away, escaping the tyranny of our family's history, would bring me relief or freedom.  Now I see that everyone has a family history, shared with a few or many others, that they are carrying to completion.  We are all doing God's work, whether we know it or not. 

I've got the house clean, really clean now, in case I drop dead after all.  But I've caught a cold too, as the people I've come in contact with have all got colds and continually pass them around.  So I've been low energy and low spirited lately.  One thing that has gotten to me is that credit card I tried to get paid when I got out of the hospital.  I paid it two times so as not to miss the deadline, but they have said that I missed the deadline both times I paid, and not only that, they claim that neither payment could be used by them (there being something wrong with each check).  I have examined the payments, and can not find what is wrong.  I am very slow at dealing with the problems, but for the life of me.....  And it does affect my health, causing stress.

Today, I finally got to see my chiropractor, and right away, after an extremely gentle massage with an electric device, I began to have vision problems (more than I am having due to the stroke).  These were the flashing yellow, pulsating kind and lasted for several hours after the visit.  So there's another range of problems.  I'm going again tomorrow.....I feel very certain that the wrenching of the back and neck is partly to blame for all this trouble, the wrenching caused by helping John fix his brakes (stepping on the brakes with one foot all the way down, and releasing it again.  Was it 100 times?  I don't know, just that my whole left side got screwed up badly.  My former self would have blamed him, but now now.  He just needed a helping foot!

And he has many cares of his own.  His father has cancer - we just found out after his recent stay at the hospital.  He has been returned home, given counseling and morphine aplenty, and we are all praying for his safe journey across the way.  I was just informed the day before yesterday, and have sent my best wishes to him.  There is nothing the doctors can do for him anymore. 

So, the big, wet snowflakes fall on the newly bare, brown earth, trying to cover us over with whiteness again.  The silence out there is so intense you can hear the flakes fall.  I have grown a lot in the month of March, but my calendar looks like a criss-crossed jumble.  I hope April will go smoother. 

My grandson is joining the army, will be going into the service soon.  I am so proud of him and the way he has grown up.        

It's good to be home.  Yesterday was my last official doctor visit to give one last blood sample.  They say I am done, for now.  I am taking a range of pills, I've been blood-tested at an alarming rate.  But they now say I am good to go, just about.  They are still going to fiddle around with my coumadin/warfarin, but the heart "problem" has been resolved - i.e., there's nothing to do, no infection, and the hole has been there all my life.  Well, that still leaves me with a confused mental picture in the present time.  And I still have a vision loss on the right side.  They cheerfully tell me that these things will clear up.  I hope so, so I can drive again and think properly again.

My daughter and son-in-law came yesterday to pick me up for the doctor visit, and I was prepared this time, with some extra money which I got from the bank.  They wouldn't accept cash payment, so I offered to buy lunch and this they accepted.  We went to the restaurant where I used to work, Wolfe's Family Restaurant, and there we got a very nice meal, which we all enjoyed.  The weather has been gray, raining, and coldish, so that made the day memorable.  It still is like that today.  And today, I finally figured out (again) how to read voice mail messages off my phone (on the computer).  Ohhh, what a whiz I am! 

In other efforts, I was not very successful.  I got out of the hospital on Tuesday, and I was trying to make sure that a bill got paid on time.  I mailed it out on Thursday, and it was due on the following Tuesday.  I hoped it would have arrived on time, but these things are very uncertain nowadays.  I called and also went on-line to find if my payment had arrived, but there was no verification.  So I assumed it had not arrived.  I spent all day Tuesday, the day it was due, making another on-line payment (at a snail's pace, to be sure).  I finally got a payment in by 4:30 p.m. (my time).  Of course, it was later, their time, after 5:00 p.m.  Not only do I still not know if they ever received my mailed payment, they didn't bother to do anything at all, except punish me for being slow with my payment on the computer!  To the tune of $39.00!  And I still haven't been able to get verification of that payment.  Or the payment I mailed in!  I guess they are a little SLOW getting back to me.  Except for their late fee charge, that is.  We are talking about Chase here, but I suppose they are all like this.  I am holding a demand for more money to be sent to them at once!  That's the only thing that we can be certain of.  Oh, if only I knew who to call, what to say....!!!

The good news is that the "elves" are abating, and today, I have figured out (again) how to hear my phone messages on the computer.  Just keep doing things over and over again, until they are fixed and set in the new circuitry of my brain.  The old circuitry still does not work.  My mind and my eyes are somewhat better, and persistence is the answer.  I made chicken soup today and something is clawing at my consciousness, but I can't bring it into awareness.  So on I go, taking a long time to get this typed, and other things done, but eventually the tasks will be formed anew in my mind.      

I remember what it was.  The wonderful work of Barack Obama goes on, even while I am wallowing around in this valley.  He makes sense to me!  The guys who are so worried about the money being spent on the people's business - where were they when it was all going to hell under the Bush years?  When truth in accounting didn't exist?  When honored traditions were left to rot by the wayside?  Yes, Obama's speec was an ON time for me last night, and I am so grateful we have him on the job. 

The elves continue to inform/entertain/bother me, my sight hasn't improved yet either.  But one amazing thing is the medicine called Warfarin or Coumadin.  One pill and I started noticing changes; these were good changes, especially in my sinuses(?).  The next day, after another pill, it broke loose and began to heal the infection I had there.  I was amazed by this.  I just didn't expect that.  And I'm getting sharper senses too. 

I am cooking a huge pork roast with sauerkraut, laced with caraway seed.  Just typing this sentence has taken a lot of time, but I have gone for two walks today, and this morning, I scrubbed the kitchen floor (with a sponge mop).  I wish the mental confusion would end, but I suppose it will take time.  I'm worried about my Pepper - she won't leave my side, so won't go out, even for potty.  That's why I have to go outside more often - to make sure she gets to try again.  The clearest voices in the forest belong to the black-capped chickadees.  I'm being nice to John now....don't want him to suffer. 

Sudden insight:  I remembered that I never had financial independence until I was on my own - and I thought that was a sad thing to have to remember.  It was a huge change in my life.  Not that I wasn't financially able to carry on, but I didn't worry and keep track of sums of money all the time.  Now...constant arithmetic. 

The snow is going down fast, the birds are singing like mad, and the sky looks creamy.  I guess days and nights are about even, but I am up so much that I have to take a nap or two to have the time go by.  My brain is not improving very fast, but maybe there are subtle changes that I just don't notice yet.  Well, the "elves" are almost gone, I ignore the voices in my head that are actually fears I have, I have discovered that I don't have a clot (at least not now), and my vocabulary has improved quite a bit.  My children are keeping me safe and well-cared-for.  But being an independent cuss, I do stay alone most of the time.  And it seems lonely and strange.  I don't cook much, peeling an orange is bizarre, I've recopied my personal phone book to eliminate useless information.  I'm different now, and I don't quite know what to do with my life.  Everything has changed for me.  I have a black chicken and a black dog, and care for a sled dog who stays around here.  John has gone somewhere most of the time, and I want him to stay gone.  He looks strange to me now.  My kids are working to bring me closer to where they live.  Arrangements must be made.  I think I am disloyal to feel estranged from John, but that is how it is.  I didn't plan it this way.  If I have any criticism about the professional medical care I've received, it's an amazement that I need to give so much blood all the time.  What do they need all that blood for every day?  And caregivers change so often I have lost track of the original ones - they are on my wristband, that's still there.....Ah well....

I want to come all the way back, and I want to live differently.  Maybe that is what I need to do now.  But I need to be able to see well enough not to walk into walls and also to drive my truck.  I'm very unsteady on my feet.  So I'm still a patient.  I see my shows on TV and know I would normally be commenting about the political situation, as if it would matter to anyone reading this blog. 

Well, everyday shows me a little improvement and that is what I will settle for, but I want to be able to participate in life fully again.  Spring has sprung, my hopes are still high.

Thanks Susan, for your concern, but do not worry about me.  I show improvement daily, and that is amazing.  This has been a learning experience, for sure.  Apparently, and this will have to be confirmed tomorrow, there's a blood clot been forming in my heart because of sleeping on my side, which is the most comfortable for me.  That blood clot broke a part off, due to heavy work and unusual work positions (the steps far back from the big container at the landfill, etc.) and that is what caused the stroke.  The stroke - it's so hard to remember that word, for me.  And several days of shopping in a row.  And also the effort to help John by stepping on the brakes (left foot) so many times when it was hard to do.  That's what caused it to happen.  At least I have commitments to get that work taken care of from now on.  No more taking his empty beer bottles to the recycling center.  He will do it from now on. 

My brain is getting better every day too.  No more "elves" operating every little piece of equipment, behind every animal, tree and rock!  The world is becoming usual now.  And this morning, I, myself, and me understood plumbing!  Yeah!  I fixed the mysterious bathroom plumbing and everything is now working properly.  The heart problem is still a worry, but I now recognize it for what it is, after all.  I just couldn't believe that there could be something wrong with me, after all.  But a blood clot in my heart is what it is.  And that appointment is tomorrow, the test to look at it in full, and make a determination what to do.  I guess I will have to learn not to sleep on my side, anymore, for one thing.  And delegate some work to the one who drinks beer here.  He has already vowed to take care of the recycling of his beer bottles.  Ah, happiness....

The weather is bright and sunny, warm weather is here, the snow is melting fast.  It is good to go for a short walk, let the sun shine on my fact.

I can't live like this any longer.  I have been in dread of otherworldly events, imagining the most frightful scenes played at high speed.  Most of the scenes involve being in the hospital, with sheets, screens, room dividers, hospital personnel wielding strange implements, making threatening pronouncements, then disappearing behind machinery that beeps, bleats, blasts; counting the seconds you have left to live.  My mother, in a very bad mood, representing authority, cruises around between curtains, waiting.  At times I cry out like a baby, wanting all of them to disappear, but they don't.  I am left wondering what to do.  The scene changes....

Now it's frogs in a pond, all croaking at different tempos, locations, pitches.  I can't control them.  I can only see their throats, quivering for the next croak.  True, there were batteries of tests like that, huge machines that I went inside of, and listened to them sonorously hammering out their demanding challenges.  I suppose they end up having an effect on me.  The upshot is that I have a clot of blood in my heart, part of which broke away from my strenuous activity and went to my brain, there to interfere with my thinking, speech, balance, coordination, but most importantly, my eyesight, now I can't even drive my vehicle. 

Is this what I've been trying to tell you for several days now?  I know I am not making sense of things, but the challenge is the strange otherworldly way it's all affecting me.  I keep expecting things to return to normal, but it has not yet.  I am living in a semi-plastic reality.  Even the political situation, which I was deeply involved in, does not merit a comment from me.  I still watch it, hear it, but I am not a participant anymore.  Listening to frogs has become more important, or at least more relevant.  

I have learned to write on this blog, manage my emails (with help from John), cook and do the dishes, keep surfaces clean.  I have managed to manage the phone!  I am haunted by folks who have died, can't wait to get well again so I don't have to see them again.  The ones I want to see I don't see, or I am saddened anew that they have departed.  If spring would come, something would change, wouldn't it?  There has been snow on the ground for 6 months now.  The feeling that I am forgetting something important nags at me.  Duh!  Soon, there will be one more test of my big blob lodged in my heart.  Then they will decide what to do with me.  I wish this was over.  So on I go, trying to get along as best I can. 

So, I'm posting, yes, that's what it means.  Oh God, how do people cope who have a stroke?  I think that is what I had.  I feel pretty positive, so far it's not getting worse.  I think I have a lot to say, but no....not so much after all.   Jut getting my appointments straight, writing them down, feeding the dogs and chicken (who keeps getting forgotten, because she's out there, not in here, where she can pester me.)  The dogs let me know how they are doing right away.  The phone is completely befuddled, but at least I can talk if necessary.  The computer was also besmirched, but I've been getting it better.  Feeding myself is a sometime thing.  I just ate, so there I am.  My eyesight is bad on the right side, and there's an intermediate zone where looking there produces dizziness, sickening dizziness.  Other things have improved, but I don't remember what.  I am surprised at how cheerful I am, how upbeat and positive, I have every hope that the future will bring improvements.  There were some tears and fears, and even anger, but that is over, I hope. 

Must feed the chicken now and let dogs go out.

I've been in the hospital, and not just visiting.  I was in there Monday and Tuesday, and the doctor just called..... I'm not done yet, I guess.  They want to stick something down my esophagus to look at my heart some more.  But I went in for vision problems and speech difficulties.  I knew there was something blocking part of my sight and I couldn't think or speak properly. 

So it's been quite a day, now, trying to get used to where all the keys are on the type board, etc.  I've gotten a little better so far.  Fed the dogs and chicken, and they are very happy I'm back.  Winter has returned in full force for now.  The power was out last night and the fire was keeping us warm enough.  The wind howled fiercely.  Well, I think I may close for now, and will try to keep posting in the future. 

And there, at the end of Chapter 12 of the book I am reading, The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying" by Sogyal Rinpoche, was an answer to my heartache. 

"We all long for heaven where God is, but we have it in our power to be in Heaven with Him at this very moment.  But being happy with Him now means:  Loving as He loves, Helping as He helps, Giving as He gives, Serving as He serves, Rescuing as He rescues, Being with Him twenty-four hours, Touching Him in His distressing disguise."

Meanwhile, everything else goes on full bore, and I thought I saw that some form of evolution is under way right now in what happens in the world.  If you look back at any other age, it seems that there was always the same suffering of people caused mostly by other people.  The same principle of force, or Might Makes Right has always applied.  In today's world, though, we have the giant corporations and all their well-paid lobbyists, and they seem to be unstoppable. 

It looks like Republicans really do not want to pay their upcoming taxes, when called upon to do so.  I believe that this is why we hear such challenges, crying and whining, and the general revolt in their language lately.  They had all the money flowing their way only, especially in the past 8 years, and now the people have spoken, by electing President Barack Obama.  The government of, by and for the people is back, and the filthy rich don't like it at all.  They have been working hard to destroy this government, take all the money for themselves, and go international.  I now believe that this country and its government is in the most imminent danger of being destroyed by the very rich to advance their own greedy cause.  I have never felt such a need to blog or publicly express my political feelings in the past.  It's only the danger of losing our country that impels me to participate, at least to this extent. 

Still agonizing over my recent knowledge of what's happening in the Amazon basin, I now am asking myself, "What's the difference between the "ethnic cleansing/genocide" going on in Darfur right now, and the "settling" of the Amazon basin?  Is the difference the name of the oil companies involved?  Is the Darfur outrage in the name of a Chinese oil company, while the Amazon outrage is in the name of an American oil company?  Is that why we never hear about what is happening in this hemisphere right now? 

I know I have to come to terms with what all of this means.  Last eve I was contemplating what the Dalai Llama would say, and I know he is personally familiar with these kinds of outrages in his own native country.  I know his answer, and the answer of all of the world's most important teachers is to have compassion, understanding and love for the ones committing the atrocities.  And therein lies my dilemna, because the anger this knowledge produces has always burned in me, and I know that I am not an enlightened being.  I always picture retaliation, revenge, justice, acts of violence that must stop the perpetrators of the destruction of earth and its peoples.  I know I must get on with life and not dwell too long in this empathy, but my mind and heart says "If only there was something I could do..."  Something proper that would work, and all I can think of is that these acts must be exposed for what they are. 

My daughter made me go into town yesterday and get groceries.  There was a terrific sale on food at Trig's and I came away with a goodly amount of sale-priced food, but I am not as happy as I otherwise would be about it.  It's a foggy day today, misting rain, and so mild that no fire is needed to keep the house warm, just the underfloor heating system and my oil-filled space heater for my bedroom.  I took yet another box of goodies to Good Will yesterday; this time, some tins both round and tall, and a weird collection of kitchen utensils that were all extras or never used.  This cleaning every shelf, nook and cranny to see what I can give away is getting to be fun for me.  I believe it is good therapy too.

So this is March 3, 2009, and I am so into winter hibernation, that even though I made myself go to town today, it wasn't for long, and I had trouble caring at all about the mundane chores of shopping, mailing out bills, etc.  Took that nice bag of stuff over to Good Will and dropped it off. 

I seem to be focused on an otherworldly overview of life in general.  It was just this winter that I began to read books about the Amazon, and now I've been watching the television show "Mark and Ollie with the Machigenga," a tribe living in Peru.  It did hit me hard that the same exploitation, genocide and slavery of the native peoples is taking place right now, at this very moment in our time of living here on this planet.  And I didn't know a thing about it until this winter.  I didn't even know that rubber trees grew in South America, originally.  I always thought they grew in Southeast Asia, according to the song "oops, there goes another rubber tree plant."    And then an email today from one of the environmental groups I belong to tells of the euthanasia of perhaps the last free jaguar in the United States, due to kidney failure.  A sad time for the world. 

And what can we do?  I have visions of a nice big helicopter lift of a big bag of raw crude petroleum being dumped in and around the President of Arco's swimming pool, contaminating his house and yard and poisoning his children, ruining life for him.  But that is not only impossible, it wouldn't be helpful.  Was I living in Paradise, not knowing what big business is doing to people and land in other places?  Loving my automobile?  I was permanently p.o'd at big oil when they assassinated the duly elected President of Iran back in the 1950's, and all the oilmen could say is "We do it all for you, the American people." 

But I also recall going across the lake in my round-bottomed rowboat to Frenchie's resort, a native American, to see about getting a job there as a baby-sitter for vacationing tourists who rented out his cabins on the lake.  He had a sheet of glass on the countertop with all the business cards of everyone who had ever come and stayed there.  There were probably more than 50 business cards under the glass.  I asked him why he kept them there, and he said it was a reminder that every single one of them is a polluter of the environment.  I was amazed, and pointing to one after another, he told me what they did, at the very minimum, to pollute.  I came away dispirited by the knowlege that our entire way of life must be wrong. 

Apparently, I'd come to accept that and go on with life; I realize that we are living in the age of the oil dinosaur, a huge tyrranosaurus rex, and on an individual level, I still need a vehicle to get around in.  I wonder what life is like on other planets...  Is there no way to avoid being like this, living with guilt and shame for what we have all done and continue to do every day?